Leslie Boxell’s Weblog

So, it’s the 2 year anniversary of my dad’s death.  I hate saying that though because he didn’t experience death,(separation from Christ) but was ushered up to heaven in the presence of Jesus.  So death doesn’t fit what my dad is experiencing.  Anyway, I thought I would reserve a spot for my dad on this blog to write about memories, thoughts, and things I am dealing with still even two years later.

Have you ever gone a long time without crying?  I was just realizing that I had not cried in a really long time until this Christmas.  I guess I cried so much right after my dad died that I just couldn’t cry anymore.  That sounds kind of cheesy but it’s how I feel. I don’t know it’s weird.  For Christmas I asked for a new bible.  So, Christmas eve night (with my side of the family) I opened up what looked like a bible case which I was expecting to find a new bible inside of.  My mom had instead put my dad’s bible in it.  It has his name on it and it’s brown.  I cried right when I saw it.  (right now I have a huge lump in my throat, yet no tears will come out…weird).  It’s like I reserve my raw emotions and save them up until something really gets me by surprise and I break down.  I don’t understand why I’m like that.  Sometimes I wish I was more emotional, but I can’t bring myself to be that way. 

So back to my dad.  I have had such peace knowing that my dad is relaxing in heaven and experiencing the presence of Jesus.  Knowing he’s there makes me look forward all the more to going there myself someday. 

I think a lot about heaven and what it’s like.  My dad was reading the book, “Heaven” by Randy Alcorn right before her died.  He never finished it.  I guess he didn’t need to though since he’s there now. I want to read it, but haven’t had the courge to yet.  I don’t know why. 

Ever since my dad passed away our family hasn’t been quite right.  I don’t know if any family really is, but it’s like there’s this huge gaping hole that whenever we get together we try to fill with gifts, jokes, food, and just stuff.  Maybe that’s okay though.  We’re still putting the pieces all back together.  We’ve stuck by each-other even though there’s been some awkward moments, confrontations and even arguments about certain issues.  I’m the “tell it like it is” person of the family.  If I feel very strongly about something, I’m going to let you know about it (of course hoping in the long run it is for the greater good). Sometimes though I should probably keep my mouth shut.  I’m trying to use better judgement in that area.  

So, I feel like people probably think that my dad passing away was long enough ago that it’s just not an issue anymore.  I still to this day have days where all I want to do is just cry and all I can think about is that night that he died.  I feel like I should be past it and be able to be happy for my dad that he’s in heaven (which I am) but I miss him sooooo much and wish he could see the big girl Jada is becoming and all the things she can do now.  He would be so proud. A lot of times I imagine that he is watching from heaven and I can so clearly picture his reactions to some of the things Jada does.  He would love the way she runs around and jumps off the couch and that she likes to go to basketball games and that she isn’t a girly girl and that she loves popcorn (just like he did) and so many other things…. 

Anyway, today is a hard day.  I don’t feel very good.  I don’t know if I’m getting sick, or if it’s because I’m thinking about my dad a lot.  So, if your reading I would appreciate a prayer.